The big 40 is looming large in the not too distant future. Time marches on relentlessly. Even the clocks spring forward to bring the big day closer. So what to do? Why not take a trip back in time. I wonder what was number one on the day I was born?
I really wish I hadn’t. The biggest selling single on the day I came to be was “Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep” by Middle of the Road. Thanks to pissed up Brits partying on the costas and Tony Blackburn, this song was propelled to the top of the charts where it stayed for 5 weeks. It unbelievably went on to sell more than 10 million copies world-wide. Sangria is potent stuff for sure!
The only thing more depressing was the following number 1 hit in the UK was seriously cool. To just delay my arrival by 21 days would not only mean the big 40 would be a little further away, my number 1 would be T-Rex’s “Get in on!”. I would also be a lion rather than the crab. There are no downsides to this. My life would have been a whole lot better! Thanks Mum and Dad. You have ruined my life!
Maybe I could cheat my past. What if I was born in the good ol’ US of A? I’d be on to a winner. The Billboard number 1 in the US was The Rolling Stones with “Brown Sugar”. Suddenly being American becomes a no-brainer. Who cares that England can’t play football. 40 odd years of hurt? Hello! I wouldn’t give a toss about football. It would be Grid Iron. And America always finish as world champions. That would be like TOTALLY AWESOME!
But before I could even look into becoming a US Citizen my fantasy came crashing down. It was a mistake. A typo on the poxy web page I had pinned all my hopes on. “Brown Sugar” was not number 1 from May 29th to July 11th 1971. No, Mick’s tune could only make in to June 11th. My number 1 was “It’s too Late” by Carole King. As good a tune as it is, it’s not the Rolling Stones. Not cool. You can stick your American football up yer arse!
So what to do? Search the world for a country that had decent musical taste on the day that I was born? As the wise sage Omar from The Wire would say, “Indeed!”. I could be a pommie basher. Good at sports. Decent weather and I do enjoy a good Barbie. Number 1 Down Under was the promisingly named group “Daddy Cool” with “Eagle Rock”. Check out the video. I think I have a winner!
But what about my adopted country? What did the music loving Spaniards buy with their pesatas back in the day? “Que Sera” by Jose Feliciano and they loved it. It was number 1 for 8 weeks from the 29th May to the 24th July. I could revel in “La Roja’s” victorious Euro and World cup wins. An added bonus is I don’t have to bother looking up the number 1 tune in Italy as the song is Italian. Can I claim the Italian World Cup win too?
Which to choose? It’s a tough call. G’day mate!
Showing posts with label Rant. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rant. Show all posts
How to loose Seven Golf Balls in one go!
A day to forget about at golf. For the first time in ages I suffered the indignity of losing 7 balls. Hang on a minute. I wasn’t even playing bloody golf! Welcome to Málaga Airport.
Everything was going so well. I arrived a tad late at the P3 parking but dropped lucky with a parking space. Another piece of luck in that I caught the last bus before the scheduled 15 minute pit stop. The gods were smiling down on me. Not for long.
There were three queues at the Monarch check-in desk. As usual a chose the Vantage club queue. It was the smallest and usually the quickest. Just not today. The world’s slowest check-in clerk was working. He managed a breathtaking one passenger for every five that the other check-in girls could do. Stick to the queue! I always loose out when I decide to swap. Passengers behind couldn't resist the urge and swapped. They had the right idea. Unbelievably I ended up being the last passenger to check in, a split second behind the last guy to swap queues. By the time I had declared "Manchester" as my destination the slowest check-in guy in the world announced "Sorry, the flight is closed". Stay calm Dean! I pointed out that I had been stuck in the queue for the past half-hour and the guy in front managed to check-in without a problem five seconds earlier.
The one thing going for me was I had no hold luggage. Check-in guy needed to make a phone call. I nearly lost it when he told whoever on the other end that I was a "Late" passenger. "No, I wasn’t late! You’re bloody slow!!!". Ten minutes of watching the guy run-around with my passport like a headless chicken and I finally receive my boarding card, 30 minutes before the flight was due to leave.
Just security to negotiate now. There is a problem with my bag. Did I leave a bottle of contact lens solution in my bag? I’m sure I didn’t. The screener calls over the supervisor, "pelotas de golf". Apparently golf balls are classed as dangerous weapons at Málaga Airport, and I’m armed with seven. Dangerous weapons? Granted, if you were walking along the opposite fairway whilst I’m stood on the tee brandishing my Driver, but in an Airport? What do they think I’m going to do with them? "THIS IS A HIJACK! I’m armed with golf balls!". With no time to argue I had to leave them behind and scurry off to the gate that was closing. I better not get a telling off from the cabin crew. I’ll whack them around the head with my golf shoes!
Iberia Rant 3
A big downside to going home was it was Iberia who had to take us. Surely they can get us back home on time relatively trouble free? Vamos a ver!
It didn’t start too good. The flight from Venice to Madrid was busy so we couldn’t sit together. Both being forced to sit in the centre seats. Maybe Iberia had read our complaints and this was their idea of fun. Still, the flight was only 20 minutes late and we had plenty of time to catch the connecting flight to Málaga.
Barajas terminal 4 was deathly quiet. I had a walk up to the infamous Iberia Customer Information Centre to see what was going on. All quiet there too. Our flight was scheduled to go at 11:45pm so it was one of the last flights out but the lack of queues at the info centre must be a sign that everything was going well.
The flight was delayed by 20 minutes but we were at the baggage reclaim at Málaga for 1am. There was another flight waiting for bags but I hadn’t seen the airport this quiet for a long time. “Back home for 2am” Monica declared sleepily. Unfortunately, at that time we were still stood at the baggage reclaim belt.
I have no idea what took so long. It seemed ages before the doors to the belt finally opened. Then a few bags with red “priority bags” tags came out. The few lucky business class passengers collected their bags and shuffled off into the night. Surprisingly, they didn’t seem to let the 40-minute plus wait bother them. They must be seasoned Iberia customers.
The rest of the bags came out two by two. The doors of the belt shut and opened at least three times before our bags finally came out. Maybe our bags had a “Iberia serial moaners make sure last bag out” tag on them. I can’t wait to write my complaint letter to this miserable excuse of an airline.
It didn’t start too good. The flight from Venice to Madrid was busy so we couldn’t sit together. Both being forced to sit in the centre seats. Maybe Iberia had read our complaints and this was their idea of fun. Still, the flight was only 20 minutes late and we had plenty of time to catch the connecting flight to Málaga.
Barajas terminal 4 was deathly quiet. I had a walk up to the infamous Iberia Customer Information Centre to see what was going on. All quiet there too. Our flight was scheduled to go at 11:45pm so it was one of the last flights out but the lack of queues at the info centre must be a sign that everything was going well.
The flight was delayed by 20 minutes but we were at the baggage reclaim at Málaga for 1am. There was another flight waiting for bags but I hadn’t seen the airport this quiet for a long time. “Back home for 2am” Monica declared sleepily. Unfortunately, at that time we were still stood at the baggage reclaim belt.
I have no idea what took so long. It seemed ages before the doors to the belt finally opened. Then a few bags with red “priority bags” tags came out. The few lucky business class passengers collected their bags and shuffled off into the night. Surprisingly, they didn’t seem to let the 40-minute plus wait bother them. They must be seasoned Iberia customers.
The rest of the bags came out two by two. The doors of the belt shut and opened at least three times before our bags finally came out. Maybe our bags had a “Iberia serial moaners make sure last bag out” tag on them. I can’t wait to write my complaint letter to this miserable excuse of an airline.
Iberia Rant 2
Awake at 6:45am after a good 3 and a half-hours kip. Sleepwalk down to the breakfast room for a cup of dishwash coffee and stale bread. The coaches arrived on schedule to take us back to Barajas at 7:30am. Maybe the coach company should take over Iberia airlines?
Another queue to join, as we have to go through the security checks again. Alarming news on the flight information screens. Our flight was listed first “20:00 Venice. Scheduled to depart at 19:40”. Surely some mistake but with it being Iberia, nobody was taking any chances so another massive queue had formed at the Iberia Information Point. As we queued I took another look at the monitors to see that another flight with the same code had been scheduled for a 9:50am departure. No other information was offered. We soon found out after more screaming that the flight had been delayed until 10:57am.
19:50! Would we ever get to Venice.
The mood amongst the passengers was ugly. It seemed that a riot would erupt at any moment. It seemed that Iberia staff had the same feeling. The shutters were down around the information centre, leaving only one side open. The attitude amongst the few Iberia staff hadn’t improved either. Their response to the continuous questions being asked of them was to phone the Guardia Civil. Soon there were more security guards and Guardia officers than Iberia staff.
Another crowd of passengers for Iberia to ignore.
At 10:00am the gate was announced for our flight, H3. This is the furthest gate possible from the information centre. It is also next door to a “Guardia Civil” control point, where a few guards were already stationed. A “Comet Air” plane is standing at the gate and some activity is seen in the cockpit and on the ground. Two Iberia staff arrived at the gate and once again a large queue formed ready for boarding.
10:36am and no sign of the boarding process starting yet. Tempers fray and the crowd start shouting at the Iberia staff again. More Guardia Civil staff appears. Looks like more bad news is going to be announced. A few minutes later and bags are seen being taken off the plane. The mood isn’t improved when the gate screen changes the departure time to 11:10am. Its now 10:50am and its clear to everyone in the queue that we weren’t leaving at that time.
Bags being unloaded from plane.
More shouting and an announcement was made by a Guardia Civil officer. Anyone in an agitated state will not be allowed to fly. This prompted loud shouts of derision and made matters much more heated. The Guardia officer decided it would be better not to repeat his announcement. An hour later and we finally started to board the plane. The assigned seats on our boarding cards were useless and it was a free for all. We managed to find two vacant seats at the back of the plane.
12:15pm and all the passengers are on board. The captain announces that a couple of passengers had failed to arrive at the gate so there baggage was being located and removed from the flight. Then we would be off on our 2-hour flight to Venice. 12:30pm and the cabin crew close the doors. 1pm and we are still on the ground. Passengers were getting restless and we demanded more information. None was forthcoming. Finally, the plane began to taxi to the runway at 1:15pm.
We landed at 3:15pm at Marco Polo airport. We had the lost the day but would soon be in Venice for a late lunch. Iberia still had another nasty little surprise for us. Our bags were not on the belt. Another queue at the lost and found desk formed. We were told to check the next flight arriving from Madrid. The next flight arrived at 3:45pm and still no sign of the bags. The queue grew bigger as passengers from the latest flight also had not received their bags. Finally, our bags were located in a backroom of the airport at 5pm. No explanation on how they got there or why they hadn’t been put on the belt. Monica swore that this would be the last time we flew with Iberia. We have to get back to Málaga with them first. A trip we both weren’t looking forward to.
Lost and Found. Great another bloody queue!
Another queue to join, as we have to go through the security checks again. Alarming news on the flight information screens. Our flight was listed first “20:00 Venice. Scheduled to depart at 19:40”. Surely some mistake but with it being Iberia, nobody was taking any chances so another massive queue had formed at the Iberia Information Point. As we queued I took another look at the monitors to see that another flight with the same code had been scheduled for a 9:50am departure. No other information was offered. We soon found out after more screaming that the flight had been delayed until 10:57am.
19:50! Would we ever get to Venice.
The mood amongst the passengers was ugly. It seemed that a riot would erupt at any moment. It seemed that Iberia staff had the same feeling. The shutters were down around the information centre, leaving only one side open. The attitude amongst the few Iberia staff hadn’t improved either. Their response to the continuous questions being asked of them was to phone the Guardia Civil. Soon there were more security guards and Guardia officers than Iberia staff.
Another crowd of passengers for Iberia to ignore.
At 10:00am the gate was announced for our flight, H3. This is the furthest gate possible from the information centre. It is also next door to a “Guardia Civil” control point, where a few guards were already stationed. A “Comet Air” plane is standing at the gate and some activity is seen in the cockpit and on the ground. Two Iberia staff arrived at the gate and once again a large queue formed ready for boarding.
10:36am and no sign of the boarding process starting yet. Tempers fray and the crowd start shouting at the Iberia staff again. More Guardia Civil staff appears. Looks like more bad news is going to be announced. A few minutes later and bags are seen being taken off the plane. The mood isn’t improved when the gate screen changes the departure time to 11:10am. Its now 10:50am and its clear to everyone in the queue that we weren’t leaving at that time.
Bags being unloaded from plane.
More shouting and an announcement was made by a Guardia Civil officer. Anyone in an agitated state will not be allowed to fly. This prompted loud shouts of derision and made matters much more heated. The Guardia officer decided it would be better not to repeat his announcement. An hour later and we finally started to board the plane. The assigned seats on our boarding cards were useless and it was a free for all. We managed to find two vacant seats at the back of the plane.
12:15pm and all the passengers are on board. The captain announces that a couple of passengers had failed to arrive at the gate so there baggage was being located and removed from the flight. Then we would be off on our 2-hour flight to Venice. 12:30pm and the cabin crew close the doors. 1pm and we are still on the ground. Passengers were getting restless and we demanded more information. None was forthcoming. Finally, the plane began to taxi to the runway at 1:15pm.
We landed at 3:15pm at Marco Polo airport. We had the lost the day but would soon be in Venice for a late lunch. Iberia still had another nasty little surprise for us. Our bags were not on the belt. Another queue at the lost and found desk formed. We were told to check the next flight arriving from Madrid. The next flight arrived at 3:45pm and still no sign of the bags. The queue grew bigger as passengers from the latest flight also had not received their bags. Finally, our bags were located in a backroom of the airport at 5pm. No explanation on how they got there or why they hadn’t been put on the belt. Monica swore that this would be the last time we flew with Iberia. We have to get back to Málaga with them first. A trip we both weren’t looking forward to.
Lost and Found. Great another bloody queue!
Iberia Rant
A Christmas in Venice. We had specially booked with Iberia instead of the usual stopover in the UK in order to have more time in Venice. We booked flights for the Friday Afternoon to arrive at Marco Polo Airport at 10pm. That would give us an extra day’s holiday. A great plan until Iberia ballsed it up big time.
The first flight from Málaga to Madrid was delayed an hour. Would we make the connecting flight at Barajas? The expected arrival time would give us 15 minutes to make the connection. The Captain announced the gates for all the connections. The Venice flight was ominously missing. It turned out that the flight had been delayed 2 and a half hours, now leaving at 10:37pm.
At Barajas we received a free meal coupon and went to “ARS” for a meal. We had a 3-course meal with a beer courtesy of Iberia. Things were not too bad. We would arrive just before midnight and Roberto was going to pick us up. Should be safely tucked up in bed by 1am.
10pm and people were beginning to queue at the gate. An Iberia staff member was mumbling something into the PA system. No one had a clue what he was saying. A crowd had gathered around the desk to find out what he was on about. Apparently the flight was over-booked. If you had been assigned a seat number you were guaranteed a place. We had been given seats 35A and B so no problems.
10:30pm and still no sign of us boarding. The mumbling Iberia staff man went down the gate towards the plane to find out what was going on. We saw him leave the plane 5 minutes later. Even from this distance he looked a man who was going to break bad news to us. He took a few steps closer to the gate, stopped and thought better of it. He took an exit door from the covered walkway and was last seen running away from the gate along the tarmac. What was going on?
Flight Crew abandon ship.
10:50pm and no information was available. The disappearing man was nowhere to be seen, nor any other Iberia staff member was at the gate. Then the crew was seen leaving the plane. They boarded an Iberia minibus and were taken away. This was a bit too much for some of the passengers on the flight, who abandoned the queue and headed for the nearby Iberia information centre.
Passengers mob info centre.
Staff abandon info centre.
The passengers had a large Italian contingent. Let’s say that their temperament is not the most stable in these situations. It wasn’t long before shouting was heard. If the Italians have something of a short fuse then the Spaniards can only be described as not liking it. They must have taken the shouts of “Manos arriba. Esto es un atraco!” (Hands up. This is a hold-up) literally and headed for cover. The Iberia Information point had been abandoned. The passengers’ mood was not improved when the flight information screens displayed “new information at 23:59”. We hadn’t been given any information at all never mind bloody new!
Midnight came and went with no information and no sign of the crew returning to the plane. The screens kept incrementing the “new information” message by 10 minutes every time the new deadline arrived. A few Iberia staff had decided to brave the storm and had retaken their posts at the info centre. Their manner was not helpful. Rather than being sympathetic to the abandoned passengers they took a more confrontational approach. “Its not our fault!”, taking the abuse directed at Iberia in general personally. They soon abandoned their posts and hid in the back room again.
At 12:45am the Iberia staff finally gave us the information that had become apparent hours earlier. The flight had been “postponed” until the morning, when another company would provide a plane to leave at 9:40am. We were to be taken to a nearby hotel for the night. That was it. No apology, no further explanation, nothing. They didn’t even send an Iberia staff representative to escort us to the hotel. It was left to the coach company employed to take us to the hotel. The chaos soon moved to the foyer of the hotel lobby. A mass of weary travellers trying to check-in. At least they had the good sense to allow passengers with young kids to go to the front of the queue. Well, I suppose allowing the crowd to organise things was better than seeing if Iberia could cock it up. We did the honourable thing and allowed people to check in before us. The bar was open!
Queue to check-in at hotel.
From our vantage point at the bar we could see the queue to the check in desk. Why was it taking so long? Surely Iberia could have faxed through the passenger list and it would be a simple task of handing out keys? Obviously not as it was 2:45am before the queue had cleared and we could check-in. Breakfast at 6:30am. Coach leaves at 7:30am.
F**K it lets have a beer!
The first flight from Málaga to Madrid was delayed an hour. Would we make the connecting flight at Barajas? The expected arrival time would give us 15 minutes to make the connection. The Captain announced the gates for all the connections. The Venice flight was ominously missing. It turned out that the flight had been delayed 2 and a half hours, now leaving at 10:37pm.
At Barajas we received a free meal coupon and went to “ARS” for a meal. We had a 3-course meal with a beer courtesy of Iberia. Things were not too bad. We would arrive just before midnight and Roberto was going to pick us up. Should be safely tucked up in bed by 1am.
10pm and people were beginning to queue at the gate. An Iberia staff member was mumbling something into the PA system. No one had a clue what he was saying. A crowd had gathered around the desk to find out what he was on about. Apparently the flight was over-booked. If you had been assigned a seat number you were guaranteed a place. We had been given seats 35A and B so no problems.
10:30pm and still no sign of us boarding. The mumbling Iberia staff man went down the gate towards the plane to find out what was going on. We saw him leave the plane 5 minutes later. Even from this distance he looked a man who was going to break bad news to us. He took a few steps closer to the gate, stopped and thought better of it. He took an exit door from the covered walkway and was last seen running away from the gate along the tarmac. What was going on?
Flight Crew abandon ship.
10:50pm and no information was available. The disappearing man was nowhere to be seen, nor any other Iberia staff member was at the gate. Then the crew was seen leaving the plane. They boarded an Iberia minibus and were taken away. This was a bit too much for some of the passengers on the flight, who abandoned the queue and headed for the nearby Iberia information centre.
Passengers mob info centre.
Staff abandon info centre.
The passengers had a large Italian contingent. Let’s say that their temperament is not the most stable in these situations. It wasn’t long before shouting was heard. If the Italians have something of a short fuse then the Spaniards can only be described as not liking it. They must have taken the shouts of “Manos arriba. Esto es un atraco!” (Hands up. This is a hold-up) literally and headed for cover. The Iberia Information point had been abandoned. The passengers’ mood was not improved when the flight information screens displayed “new information at 23:59”. We hadn’t been given any information at all never mind bloody new!
Midnight came and went with no information and no sign of the crew returning to the plane. The screens kept incrementing the “new information” message by 10 minutes every time the new deadline arrived. A few Iberia staff had decided to brave the storm and had retaken their posts at the info centre. Their manner was not helpful. Rather than being sympathetic to the abandoned passengers they took a more confrontational approach. “Its not our fault!”, taking the abuse directed at Iberia in general personally. They soon abandoned their posts and hid in the back room again.
At 12:45am the Iberia staff finally gave us the information that had become apparent hours earlier. The flight had been “postponed” until the morning, when another company would provide a plane to leave at 9:40am. We were to be taken to a nearby hotel for the night. That was it. No apology, no further explanation, nothing. They didn’t even send an Iberia staff representative to escort us to the hotel. It was left to the coach company employed to take us to the hotel. The chaos soon moved to the foyer of the hotel lobby. A mass of weary travellers trying to check-in. At least they had the good sense to allow passengers with young kids to go to the front of the queue. Well, I suppose allowing the crowd to organise things was better than seeing if Iberia could cock it up. We did the honourable thing and allowed people to check in before us. The bar was open!
Queue to check-in at hotel.
From our vantage point at the bar we could see the queue to the check in desk. Why was it taking so long? Surely Iberia could have faxed through the passenger list and it would be a simple task of handing out keys? Obviously not as it was 2:45am before the queue had cleared and we could check-in. Breakfast at 6:30am. Coach leaves at 7:30am.
F**K it lets have a beer!