How to loose Seven Golf Balls in one go!

A day to forget about at golf. For the first time in ages I suffered the indignity of losing 7 balls. Hang on a minute. I wasn’t even playing bloody golf! Welcome to Málaga Airport.

Everything was going so well. I arrived a tad late at the P3 parking but dropped lucky with a parking space. Another piece of luck in that I caught the last bus before the scheduled 15 minute pit stop. The gods were smiling down on me. Not for long.

There were three queues at the Monarch check-in desk. As usual a chose the Vantage club queue. It was the smallest and usually the quickest. Just not today. The world’s slowest check-in clerk was working. He managed a breathtaking one passenger for every five that the other check-in girls could do. Stick to the queue! I always loose out when I decide to swap. Passengers behind couldn't resist the urge and swapped. They had the right idea. Unbelievably I ended up being the last passenger to check in, a split second behind the last guy to swap queues. By the time I had declared "Manchester" as my destination the slowest check-in guy in the world announced "Sorry, the flight is closed". Stay calm Dean! I pointed out that I had been stuck in the queue for the past half-hour and the guy in front managed to check-in without a problem five seconds earlier.

The one thing going for me was I had no hold luggage. Check-in guy needed to make a phone call. I nearly lost it when he told whoever on the other end that I was a "Late" passenger. "No, I wasn’t late! You’re bloody slow!!!". Ten minutes of watching the guy run-around with my passport like a headless chicken and I finally receive my boarding card, 30 minutes before the flight was due to leave.

Just security to negotiate now. There is a problem with my bag. Did I leave a bottle of contact lens solution in my bag? I’m sure I didn’t. The screener calls over the supervisor, "pelotas de golf". Apparently golf balls are classed as dangerous weapons at Málaga Airport, and I’m armed with seven. Dangerous weapons? Granted, if you were walking along the opposite fairway whilst I’m stood on the tee brandishing my Driver, but in an Airport? What do they think I’m going to do with them? "THIS IS A HIJACK! I’m armed with golf balls!". With no time to argue I had to leave them behind and scurry off to the gate that was closing. I better not get a telling off from the cabin crew. I’ll whack them around the head with my golf shoes!