Andy and Kelly's Wedding

Mr & Mrs Meredith.

The day of the wedding had arrived. Andy wanted us at the White hart for 11:30am, an hour and a half before the ceremony. Things could get a bit messy. Craig had arranged the minibus for us at 11:00am. Not to worry, its A1 so should get here at about noon. Surprisingly, it turned up on time.


The church at Lydgate.

The minibus turned up minus one best man, Rawdo, and one usher, Craig, having a few technical difficulties with the attire. Craig had broken the bow tie already. First job of the day was to fix it. The second was to find out what had happened to Rawdo. "He's forgotten his shades" was the reply. Now that might be a crisis on the Costa del Sol, but Lydgate! I hope he hasn't forgotten the rings.

Off we went to pick up the last usher, Lenny, for the 2 minute trip up the road to the White Hart. "Fiver each lads!". Cue violent protests from Lenny. "I could have walked it in 5 minutes!". But not in your penguin suit Lenny, who had already confessed to looking like a plonker.

All was quiet at the pub. Only Mick and Clare were there, waiting on the doorstep. Very unusual, Within 10 paces of a bar and Mick is waiting for us outside? Must be a problem. The bar didn't open until 12:00. Bush was having none of it and wadded in anyway. 5 minutes later we were comfy inside on the the first pint with the clock not yet turned 11:30am. No sign of Andy, somethings never change.

With the pub steadily filling with wedding guests, Andy and his brother Paul eventually arrive. We were already on the second pint. Need to slow down. After downing a brandy for his nerves, Andy proceeded to give us, the ushers, our duties. First job was to fold the order of service sheets. Next, to attach the button holes. No safety pin disasters here. They were attached using magnets. One problem though, a shortage of magnets. A quick look at Craig's lapel solved it. He had used all the magnets for his button hole. We were instructed to arrive at the church at 12:50pm, ready to meet the guests. No problem, time for another pint.

All we had to do was meet the guests on the door, hand them a service sheet, politely enquire "Bride or Groom" and direct them to the left or right. The problem was half of the guests were already inside when we bothered to turn up. It was left to me to go around the church sheepishly to pass out the service sheets while Craig and Lenny stood on the door. Before we knew it the bridesmaids turned up and off we went.


All set for the off.

The service flew by for Andy and Kelly. Kelly arrived in a flood of tears. Andy fluffed his lines. The woman priest doing her best to calm the nerves. We endured the agony of singing two hymns. And the further agony of waiting for the couple to go and sign the register so that I could leg it to the toilet.

Outside for photo's. Paul Shaw had took it on himself to become the photographer's assistant. I thought he came well prepared, even a step ladder for Andy. The mass group shot outside the church. A little kid mischievously attempting to cripple the photographer by kicking his ladders away. "Right, just the bride and..." before the photographer could finish there was a mass exodus to the bar.


Stepladder for the Groom.

It was around 2:15pm when we started the second session. We were based in the new extension at the back, the Oak Room. The seating plan caused a few chuckles and sparked a flash point between Bush and Andy. Bush, one of the best men, was not on the head table. He was not happy. Any gathering with Bush and Andy would not be the same without a major bust up between them. His wedding day proved no exception. "I feel like I've been stabbed in the back" Bush growled. To compound his woes, "I've been put on a table with 8 strangers" he cried. "What, not even sat with Denise?", "OK, I've been put on a table with 9 strangers..."

The great seating row was finally solved when Baz & Paul Shaw graciously offered their places so that Shane and Denise could sit with us. The next trauma was the discovery that the meal was not being served at 3pm, but 4pm. So the canopies took a bit of a hammering. A quiet liked the salmon ones. Several more beers and I had begun to slur my words. Not even half three and I was in deep trouble.

The meal was wonderful. A Salmon and spring onion potato cake with cucumber salad and tartar sauce starter followed by lemon sorbet to refresh the pallet. Not that this impressed Lenny. "I'm starving, is that it?". The main course didn't go down well with him either, Roast rump of lamb with fondant potato and a caper and tomato compote. "Not much of it is there!". Topped off with a desert of crème brulee with shortbread biscuit. Lenny and given up at this point, although he was having a good go at polishing off the wine that accompanied the meal.

In between bitching about the small portions, nouvelle cuisine is lost on Lenny, the subject of "Facebook" was mentioned a few times. Lenny wanted the perfect profile picture. So he went for the Daniel Craig look, bow tie hanging loosely around his neck. Less said the better.


Facebook profile picture attempt 2.

It was soon time for the speeches. Andy was first up to thank everyone. Kelly eventually took over and dished out presents for everyone. Thanks for the aftershave! Kelly's dad made an emotional speech praising his daughter and accepting Andy into the family, even if he was a Gooner. Time for the best men speech, all three of them. Paul started off in a calm, professional manner, completely at ease in front of the guests. Then it went downhill rapidly. A little like the England cricket team, a total tail end collapse. It was not helped by a certain nameless person spilling wine all other the cue cards. Rawdo stood up to speak, and forgot to turn around. I can't tell you what he said as he had is back to us. He quickly moved on to Bush. He made a few jokes about "Geeky Andy" and toasted the Bride and Groom.


Andy with the Best Men, Paul, Rawdo & Bush.

As the evening reception started the room began to start spinning. Not sure I'm going to make it to 12pm. Even more drinks and the DJ stops the music. Can't be over already? Must be hallucinating. Elvis walked in the building. He launched into all his classic songs. He worked the crowd well. Anytime the dance floor fell empty he went straight into the crowd. There I was minding my own business chatting away when Elvis walked by. Good photo opp!


Special guest all the way from Vegas...

I am determined to go the whole night without visiting the dance floor. I was a bit unsteady on my feet. That plan went out of the window when Denise grabbed me and frogmarched me to the dance floor. Bad mistake. A few minutes later and bang! I fell and landed on top of Denise. Safely tucked back in my seat just in time to hear Bush tell Craig to change the taxi to 1am. "Bar's open till half twelve". Great. I slowly drift off into unconsciousness at the table....


Before hitting the Dance Floor.